Friday, September 17, 2004

Work Matters !!

THE
PETERDAWSON
© HUMANITY Version 2.0

WORK MATTER’S
Manifesto


THEY SAY Verses I SAY


=========================================

They Say : “Supply Chain Solutions
I Say : “Supply Chain Innovations”

They Say: “I don’t see why we are going down this route”
I Say : “Neither did Columbus, but he braved un-chartered waters and discovered a new world.”

They Say: “we value straight shooters”
I Say : “Tell that to the employee who told you –take a hike!”

They Say: “we must follow a process approach for all clients”
I Say : “have you ever tried to put on a size 6 shoe on a size 11 foot ?”

They Say: “we use lessons to improve”
I Say : “Gee, then way is it that I need to repeat myself so many times ”

They Say: “we work well with others in teams”
I Say : “Wow, they don’t lack steak knives at this meeting”

They Say: “We believe in building trusting relationships”
I Say: “Then why all those hush hush meetings?”

They Say: “..Did you know ?”
I Say : “Big Deal !! That’s stale stuff. I have full internet access @home.”

They Say: “Monday Morning Sparks”
I Say : “Why only sparks ?? Ignite a fire every day, let alone Monday’s”

They Say: “We have an open door policy”
I Say : “Then why is your door always closed ?”

They Say: “We value open communication.”
I Say : “Is my bosses’ boss, dead or alive ? I have not heard any news for 9 months !!”

They Say: “That’s not the way we do business !”
I Say : “Say that to the competition, they are already doing it”

They Say: “we spent $350,000 for development of the software piece”
I Say : “yeah, I would spend the same, but in 3 months time , not 30 months !!”

They Say: “We respect other peoples time”
I Say : “Then why all those conference calls?”

They Say: “Plan it”
I Say : “Do it”

They Say: “This is too much change”
I Say : “Its all about our jobs and careers, what other options are there ??”

They Say: “The way is 6 sigma”
I Say : “Oh boy, here comes another ‘wannabe mini-me-GE’

They Say: “Everyone must read Subir Chowdhury -6 Sigma book”
I Say : “Have you read his latest – Organizations 21c and what he has to say about 6 sigma?”

They Say: “we need leaders”
I Say : “Then why are you always in my way ?”

They say: “Integrity is important”
I say: “Tell the unvarnished truth, ALWAYS…..or take a long hike”

They say: “WE can’t do that”
I say: “Can I quote you to our customer ?”



They say: “We are an equal opportunity employer”
I say : “Oh yeah ? How many Women do you have on your board ?”

They say: “We need to be straight and upfront”
I say : “Kewl, so how much are you earning ?”

They say: “We reward employees”
I say : “Have you recently taken Executive “spend” line and compared to Employee “rewards” line ??

They say: “We believe in Lean organization”
I say : “Wow, me too !! But why is your current Org chart looking like Tut Tukumans Pyramid ?”

They say: “We believe in flat organizations”
I say : “then show me the ice cream Waffle structure, 2 slices with a lot of “I-screams” in between !!”

They say: “Order is necessary to measure”
I say : “When did you last measure the love of your chaotic family ?”

They say: “It’s a fight”
I say : “it’s a helluva ride”



They say: “zero defect”
I say : “a day without a screw ups or two is a day pissed away”.

They say: “Think about it”
I say: “Try it”

They say : “continuous improvement”
I say : “Bold Leaps”

They say: “Keep on Improving”
I say : “Keep on leaping”

They Say : “we can’t”
I say : “Why not?”

They Say: “we’ll do that tomorrow”
I say : “Tomorrow your toast, do it today”

They say : “this man’s not nice”
I say : “These times are not forgiving”

They say: “go with the cheese”
I say: “Someday we’ll all be asking, who TOOK our cheese”


They say: “She SHOULD not be exposing her belly button”
I say: “What were your eyeballs doing 3inches above her crotch !!”

They say: “She’s wearing a see thru top !!!”
I say: “So what, that’s no excuse for eye raping.”

They say: “Project activity status should be marked in Red for those in extension of their due dates”
I say : “yeah, so that’s why these dues dates keep changing !!”

They say : “we believe in training”
I say: “ Then why does it take 4 months to get approvals for my tuition fee’s !! When will I be able to register myself for training ?”

They say : “we document everything”
I say : “ Good , can I get a copy of the incident report for the last outage of 4 days ?”

They say: “ unless we track request we can’t service our employees”
I say : “ Oh, that’s why it takes 15 days to get a mouse or a mouse pad !!”



They say: “We value our employees”
I say : “ then what takes you 8 months to prepare my paperwork for a new designate ?”

They say: “No sneakers”
I say : “Don’t be sneaky”

They say: “ t-shirts have to have collars”
I say: “I’ll need to be a millionaire to order a T-shirt with a collar !”

They say: “No shorts”
I say : “Hey, We an’t asking for a shooter round !!”

They say : “Dress Code”
I say : “Code of ethics”

They say : “Respect everyone”
I say: “Respect only those who respect you”

They say : “ Connected services”
I say: “Do I know you ?”

They say : “Oh, that’s another issue”
I say : “Come again on the air, the customer is screaming, should I tell him that ?? !!”


They say: “That fall’s under marketing”
I say: “So we should not lobby for the brand ?”

They say : “That’s a Laugh”
I say: “True, we need to once again, bring humor into the office”

They say: “That’s ridicules !!”
I say : “Fine with me, wait till we are ridiculed”

They say: “The one minute Strategy email”
I say: “wow, one sane person in our midst !”

They say: “Its improper to use company email for personal use”
I say : “Then why are you asking me for a company copy of office 2000 for your home computer”

They say: “I’m insane”
I say: “it takes one to recognize one”

They say: “measure cycle time”
I say : “Create new cycles”

They say: “waste removal”
I say: “Waste not, want not”



3 comments:

Anonymous said...

They say: 4 weeks of vacation after 12 years of employment with our company.
I say: I got ripped off. It used to be 10 years. Right before I reached my "10 year anniversary" they bumped it up to 12 years. Hope they don't bump it to 15 years right before I reach my 12 years.

Peter said...

I have to agree that sucks...

They say :" We belive in human capital enrichment"
I say " Are you sure its not like an Uranium enrichment program ?? Where human Capital becomes ballastics ??"

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